How to Connect Outside the Bedroom

You might think that sex literally means only one thing (and that’s no surprise since that’s the message we get all the time from culture and society!) but in reality, sex often has many layers and is important for a multitude of reasons.

Sex can mean way more than a physical release for individuals and couples.

Often, the main reason women will struggle to want to have sex with their partner is a lack of emotional connection in the relationship. The Gottman Institute found that couples with children where both partners work spend an average of 20 minutes a week talking with one another and it’s usually about household responsibilities.

In fact, I’d say this is true of many couples that feel like they’re in a roommate-type relationship with their partner regardless of work and children— we don’t spend time intentionally engaging with one another on a daily basis as a type of foreplay.

Emotional connection is the feeling of being seen, important, and valuable to one another. It means that we intentionally take time to show curiosity about one another’s feelings, perspectives on issues, and needs.

To be clear: this isn’t just about issues in the relationship, but feeling like our actual lives, interests, and issues outside of the relationship matter to one another. Emotional connection is a kind of foreplay that allows for deeper connection and the desire to be vulnerable and talk more about what we want and need in the bedroom.

If the connection feels a bit rusty in your relationship, here are a few steps that can jump-start these conversations:

1. DO make time daily to check in with one another. I encourage setting aside a specific time each day like over coffee in the morning, dinner at night, a lunch hour call, or after the kids go to bed. Start with, “Tell me how you’ve been feeling today and what’s been going on in your life?”
2. DON’T use this time right now to talk about relationship issues. Instead, focus this time on getting to know your partner outside of the relationship issues or concerns. This could be about their work, something they’re planning or practicing for, or hobbies they’re considering.
3. DON’T problem-solve. Use this time to really listen with your mind, heart, and body. Make sure you’re fully present and not distracted during this conversation. Focus on your non-verbal communication like head-nodding, soft eye contact, and turning your body towards your partner.
4. DO ask open-ended questions. These are questions that can’t be answered with a yes or no. Open-ended questions invite stories. For example, “Tell me why this is so important to you,” or “I can see this is making you really sad, can you tell me more about that”.
5. DO showcase a desire to support your partner with their needs and communicate that you hear what their needs are and that you are a team with them to feel their feelings and address the issues. You can do this by saying something like, “I know you’ve been really stressed about all of this, what can I do to support you at home?”

How we interact outside of the bedroom greatly affects how we connect inside the bedroom.

Without connection, sex becomes more like a chore that we’re supposed to do because we’re in a long-term relationship as opposed to something we want to do. But when we feel connected, supported, and comfortable sharing our feelings and needs with one another it creates a sense of intimacy that makes us want to connect and release tension with one another.

I’ll be sharing more tips in next week’s blog, part 3 of 4 on how to shake your relationship out of roommate status!