How to Shake Your Relationship Out of Roommate Status

Are you and your partner like two ships passing in the night?

Maybe you get to the end of the day and you don’t even have the time or energy to check in with one another and address issues or concerns in the relationship let alone be physically intimate.

You’re not alone!

So many couples who’ve been together for a while end up in a roommate-status relationship.

What do I mean by “roommate status”? It means that outside of getting through life together there’s really no room, desire, or time for intimacy.

In this first of four blogs, I’ll address tips to jumpstart the romantic relationship with your partner again. This isn’t a one size fits all so if you feel like you’ve tried these tips and they still aren’t working then seeing a sex therapist and couples counselor is needed!

BRINGING BACK INTIMACY

Let’s start with the first thing that tends to wane in a long-term relationship: physical intimacy.

Many women tell me they can go long periods of time, —if not the rest of their lives— without sex! However, they know it’s important to their partners and will eventually end up giving in.

First things first, we’ve got to work on our mindset about sex. If you’ve ever felt like sex isn’t a part of your life anymore the first thing to do is address the reasons you go there. For some people, it’s when they have kids and they feel over-touched and burned out at the end of the day. You may not even feel sexual when it comes to the way you perceive your body and how it functions anymore.

I want you to believe that you are worthy and capable of having an amazing sex life!

I want you to imagine what it would be like to feel sexual and be sexual again. Really try to visualize what that would look like. Our brains can’t tell the difference between what is happening right now and what could or has happened, they will respond the same. Visualization is a great tool for getting the gears turning and believing that great sex is something you can and do want.

CHANGING YOUR MINDSET

Everything begins in our minds.

If you struggle to visualize having amazing sex it may be helpful to consider the following questions:

1. Did I or do I feel like sex is about both of us finding pleasure? If not, explore why sex feels one-sided and what you’d like to ask for to make it feel mutually pleasurable.
2. What stressors in life do I need support with to make room for desiring sex? Are there roles or responsibilities I need more support with from my partner or outside help?
3. Are there issues in the relationship like communication and trust that have reduced my desire to even be close to my partner that we need to get a counselor involved with?
4. Do you struggle to even have an orgasm? What toys or play do you need in order to stimulate your body? (This is called reactionary desire. This means your body doesn’t even know it wants sex until there’s been active stimulation. For many women it takes upwards of 15 minutes of stimulation with touch, oral, or toys for their bodies to even light up and want to be sexual.)

If we start with our mindset and reconsider how to bring sexual intimacy back into our relationship, we’ve taken the first big step to shake ourselves out of a relationship rut.

Tune back in next week when I share another tip on getting out of roommate status!